Now, I don’t want to get too excited.
A. It’s coming in VERY slowly.
B. Only about 40% of patients on Taxol have their hair grow back while on treatments.
But, it does look like it’s coming in. In some spots.
And more special, some is snow white and some is super dark.
So, it’s very possible I may end up looking like Cruella DeVil when all is said and done.
Also, my head is very oddly shaped when photographing it from this angle, which makes me realize that this is what Hugh sees (since he’s about 10 inches taller than me) every time he looks down.
Clearly, very sexy.
However, considering I am dealing with every possible awful side effect that I could have while taking Taxol, if the bonus is that my hair comes back in in a funky colorful pattern, I’ll happily take it.
It definitely could be worse 😜
Lately I’ve kind-of been feeling like I just don’t care about certain things in life anymore and I think it’s p*ssing people off.
They aren’t exactly saying that I’m angering them, but I can see it in their faces and honestly I’m definitely not in that fake-it-til-you-make-it kind of mood.
I have cancer.
And you know what?
It completely changes my perspective on everything.
I’m not trying to be a bad friend, or sister, or daughter, or girlfriend, or mother…
I’m just flat-out tired and sometimes that makes me not really want to hear about how bad your day was because I can almost guarantee that it was no where even close to how crappy mine was.
And maybe that really makes me an jack*ss.
Or, at the very least, it makes me a jerk for saying it out loud (or typing it).
But frankly, it’s how I’m feeling right now…
kind of in the depths of feeling sorry for myself and struggling with giving a sh*t if your shirt matched your shoes or if your dinner didn’t turn out or even if you’re upset about the election.
I really don’t care.
I took myself off of Facebook except for posting from Instagram and sharing my blog posts because I just couldn’t take the bullsh*t anymore and I was finding it hard not to just comment saying,
“Seriously!? If the worst thing in your life right now is that a narcissist was elected President, you’re doing pretty effing well in life.”
When cancer comes into your life, whether you’re “lucky” like me to have triple negative breast cancer, or it touches your loved ones with some other type, you suddenly really don’t care about the dumb little things in life anymore. (and yes! The election IS a dumb little thing unless you are the person elected.) Your tolerance level for someone else’s problems drops and, if I can be honest, you really, really just want to focus on the positive things in life.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t care about anyone else but myself, but it does mean that I don’t feel like wasting another second of my life arguing or crying or being upset over trivial things when life is just way too short.
Right this moment, I am cancer free…. but only thanks to the chemotherapy that is coursing through my veins and making me feel like a truck ran me over twice.
This cancer that invaded my body is extremely invasive and it hides in the deepest darkest recesses of the body just waiting to attack again and again.
Knowing this makes me want to spend less time focusing on unhappiness and more time on savoring the moments.
Which has, unfortunately, led to me actually being in more arguments than I care to admit.
I say things like,
“I have cancer.”
“I don’t need this.”
“I don’t need this kind of negativity.”
And the argument starts.
Because when I say,”I have cancer,” it makes people feel guilty and they argue and I suppose it’s mostly my fault because I tend to forget, my perspective has changed due to cancer but theirs’ hasn’t.
One of my favorite songs, that I was lucky enough to see performed in concert, is Live Like You Were Dying by Tim McGraw.
When you hear the words,”You’ve got cancer,” your mind immediately goes to “I’m going to die”.
(I could say it didn’t, but I’d be a liar.)
And after you dust yourself off and just decide “cancer isn’t going to kill me” you do decide to embrace the teeny tiny moments of life and Live….
Like tomorrow was a gift And you’ve got eternity To think about What you’d do with it? What could you do with it? What did I do with it? What would I do with it?
I’d love to say I’m always positive, but the truth is, I’m definitely not. There are definitely moments, like tonight, where for no reason, I get pre-occupied with “why me?” Wasn’t it enough to have skin cancer? Twice? Or a cheating ex-husband that I forgave and took back after he got the woman pregnant only […]
Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes *My daughter Emma has decided to share some of her feelings about cancer. Please leave her comments and I will read them with her. PS I did edit for grammar and punctuation but left her words as […]
I finished my first round of chemotherapy. Thank God! That Neulasta was abusive. The second round began today with an appointment with my oncologist where I had to sign papers approving the usage of Taxol and read through the 3 pages of probable and possible side effects. It makes a girl feel all warm and […]
I’ve never been one to make resolutions. I will, however, admit that I do try to be better than I was the previous year, which honestly, isn’t all that hard. I’m human, after all, and fail miserably at being the person God intends almost daily. I start out every day with good intentions and usually […]
In all its glory, This is 45. It’s stretch marks and crow’s feet. (And a great editing app…) It’s falling asleep at 10:30 instead of staying up til three. It’s a glass of wine with dinner and strong coffee with breakfast. It’s having adult conversations with adult children and still having kids who need their […]