new beginnings

by debi9kids on March 17, 2016

A while back my best friend Angela and I talked about merging our blogs together.
It was something we thought would not only be healing for both of us, but also for anyone who came across our musings and had been where we have been.

But honestly, that idea seems so strange now because I don’t thing either of us really care to talk about where we’ve been.
Instead, I think we both prefer to focus on where we are now.

I remember when I first separated from my ex three years ago so vividly. He kept telling me that I deserved better than him and that he just wanted me to be happy.

He was right.
I did deserve better and I am happy.
And life is good for the kids and I.
And I smile so often and so much that I have laugh lines.

Angela and I intend to write,
not on what took us so long to get to happiness,
but instead on how to stay here now that we’ve found it.

We aren’t psychologists,
but we are survivors.

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without hesitation.

by debi9kids on February 24, 2015

Today is my anniversary.
It marks 19 years since we were married.
And we have finally started court proceedings to finish this divorce.

I was thinking back on the day we said,”I do.”
(which is something people tell me I’ll stop doing… eventually)

Anyway, I was thinking,
I had zero hesitation that day.
I wasn’t worried he wasn’t the man I thought he’d be.
I wasn’t worried I wasn’t the wife he wanted.
I wasn’t worried the life we’d planned wasn’t what we both wanted.

I was certain I was marrying “the love of my life” –
my soul mate.

Of course, I was basing everything I knew about marriage, and love, and commitment by the lives I saw around me…
my grandparents, my parents, my cousins and sister,
but mostly,
I was thinking of the “fantasy” marriage I watched played out as a child on TV.

I’d be June Cleaver.
He’d be Ward.
And our kids would be happy, and silly, and get into trouble,
and at the end of the day
we would all laugh and go to bed feeling blessed and in love.

Ward never showed up.

And I’ll be the first to admit,
I’m no June Cleaver.

The kids were happy, and silly, and got into trouble
but I hardly handled those problems like June would
because at the end of the night,
I was usually still alone.

June had Ward.
I had an empty bed.

And night after night,
year after year,
life got lonely.
And I wanted to be missed.
And wanted the kids to be missed.
Desperately.
Like we missed him.
And he didn’t.

Today is our anniversary.
And you’d think it should hit me harder than it is.
But the truth is,
I’ve been celebrating year after year alone for so long that frankly,
it’s a bit of a relief to finally admit,
my marriage was over before it ever started.

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“Forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you.”

December 31, 2014

I don’t think I can count just how many times I have heard that phrase over the past 279 days. (and yes. I am counting) And while I have understood the concept, I have been too pissed off to even think about forgiveness. And frankly, I have been waiting for an apology. A TRUE apology […]

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The car has officially crashed and the gawkers will be pleased

December 14, 2014

I’ve tried to figure out if this is something I want to write publicly or if it’s something I need to keep private. And frankly, I’m just tired of being nice. (which I’m sure there will absolutely be some who would gladly say I am anything but nice…) However, I have tried to do things […]

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You’ve likely noticed a change in my attitude…

December 12, 2014

It’s honestly something I really struggled with. When Russ and I first separated, I jumped right into dating and had a few first dates (and even a few second & third), and it was mostly because I was really feeling very vulnerable and unlovable and I guess I needed to know that I was lovable. […]

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Protected: I’m Still Married (email for password)

December 5, 2014

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Protected: put yourself in my shoes (email for password)

December 3, 2014

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