defining myself.

by debi9kids on November 26, 2014

I read a quote yesterday in my Career Development class and it definitely struck me as an “ah-ha moment” –
You act like the person you believe yourself to be.” ~ Lou Tice

How true are those words?

For the longest time in my marriage, Russ would get frustrated with me because I didn’t act “pretty” (IE meaning I didn’t think I was pretty).
Of course, a big part of that was because he was never really good about giving out compliments, even on our wedding day.
I always felt like I had to fish for them…
“Do I look alright?”
“Do I look nice?”
“Does my hair look ok?”

And eventually I got tired of asking and because he never said it on his own I just assumed the worst until eventually he just said the worst.

And I know a big part of that is when you believe yourself to be worthless or ugly,
you ARE worthless or ugly.
And so that’s exactly what he saw.
And in turn, exactly what I saw too.

I have come to realize how difficult it now is to re-program my brain into believing otherwise.
I receive compliments and I automatically assume,
“What do you want/need?”
because I can’t possibly be getting a compliment because I deserve or warrant it.

And it’s really going to take serious time and counseling to change that about myself.
Which kind of sucks because I’m definitely a “get-it-done-yesterday” kind of girl.

So it’s a struggle.
Because most days I still see that worthless face in the mirror and have to force myself to say,
“You aren’t defined by one man. You’re not worthless.”
(FYI Easy to say. Hard to believe.)

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It’s no secret that It’s a Wonderful Life is my favorite movie.
It has been for as long as I have been a mom.
There is just something so magical about the final scenes in the movie, when George Bailey realizes that everything he ever needed in life was always right in front of him.
It’s a scene that makes me cry.
Every single time.
(warning: video contains final scenes of movie. )

I think for the longest time I would watch that scene and I would get warm & fuzzy feelings and be thankful that my life was everything I hoped it would be.
And then one day I sort-of felt like maybe I just made it all up inside my head….
not the “my-kids-are-my-whole-life” part, and certainly not the “my-extended-family-is-awesome” part, but definitely the “I’m-happily-married” part.

And I really allowed my failing marriage to take away from the magical feel I got watching my favorite movie.

I watched it last year with Russ and the kids and I was depressed.
I knew he was cheating. Or something.
(I didn’t know then that it would take another 3 months for me to discover the truth)
I knew he had withdrawn from me
and I really felt like,
“I’m never going to have my ‘George Bailey moment’. ”

This past week I did.

With Christmas just around the corner I have been feeling pretty low.
Not for lack of love or reasons for being thankful,
but mostly for financial reasons.
It’s been hitting me really hard living on a limited budget.
(and before anyone thinks I’m being mean, I get it, Russ needs money too. It’s just harder than I thought.)
And with winter temperatures slamming us already I looked over my budget and realized…
I can’t afford Christmas, and fuel, and food.
And something has to give.

So, I vented on Facebook.

And something amazing happened.

My friends,
via personal messages,
their churches,
schools,
paypal,
etc
“emptied their jukaboxes”
and I had my George Bailey moment.

I AM the richest girl in town.
And I am eternally grateful.

 

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there’s something kind-of liberating

November 21, 2014

I’ll admit, almost 8 months ago when I kicked him out I was a bit terrified. I wasn’t really terrified of being without him, or even the idea of being alone (although how am I ever really alone when I have all these kids?), but more that I was terrified of starting over. I had […]

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if a picture’s worth a 1000 words….

November 13, 2014

… then these photos speak for themselves. I didn’t realize just how unhappy I was until I wasn’t unhappy anymore.

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running scared.

November 11, 2014

I’ll admit, 7 months ago I was running scared. I was afraid to look in a mirror because I felt like a failure. I put my everything into my marriage and I failed. And I lost my husband. I felt utterly defeated. I shut down. Closed myself off from my world, my writing, because I […]

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If you’re looking for me:

June 6, 2014

Any of my regular readers who have gone through infidelity, abuse, or divorce wishing to be added to my private FB page, please send me an email. (again, you MUST be a regular reader/commenter )

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Protected: you might’ve noticed… (please email for password)

June 6, 2014

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

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