Why me?

by debi9kids on January 28, 2018

There Is SO much guilt associated with cancer…

What did I do to make this happen? Was it my diet? My lifestyle? Where I lived? The stress in my life?
Why me?
Why not her or him? (And then the guilt of wondering why it shouldn’t be someone else…)
And the worst, why am I cancer free?
Why me?
Why not my cousin, who is now stage 4?
Why not my friend’s 12-year-old daughter, Gia, who has been fighting Neuroblastoma her entire life?
Why not Tuesday?

As the 30th approaches, I always think of Tuesday. And honestly, it’s not like I don’t think of her daily anyway.
How can I not? I work in the oncology field because of Tuesday
But, as the day she left this world draws closer, there’s a deep hurt and deep sadness that overwhelms me.
And I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for her family…

And today, this year, I’m left wondering…
Why me?
Why am I N.E.D?

Why did God take Tuesday and leave me?

I try to tell myself there’s bigger purpose in everything and that sometimes we’re just not meant to understand the answers to these questions until we’re standing in front of God himself.

But sometimes I just think I’m not sure I’ll ever understand…


late night ramblings of a cancer survivor

by debi9kids on November 9, 2017

It’s 1:40am and I’m lying awake waiting for my medication to kick in so I can fall asleep.
I’m exhausted.
But I don’t really sleep anymore,
not without help anyway.
I guess there’s too much running through my mind and I can’t shut it off.

On October 19th I had an ablation done on my heart. My electrophysiologist found two areas of my heart that needed to be repaired and since the procedure my pulse has been normal.

It should be a relief.

Instead, my blood pressure continues to drop with activity and I’m on medication to try to keep that within a functional range.

Over the past month I’ve had a dry annoying cough, which immediately made me paranoid that my cancer was back in my lungs.
My general doctor prescribed cough medicine that should’ve helped.
It didn’t.

So, when I showed up in his office complaining about the cough, difficulty breathing, and my BP was 70/22, he sent me to the ER.

I spent 8 hours there with my mom and Hugh having countless tests run.
It isn’t cancer.
Thank God.
It isn’t a blood clot in my lungs.
Again, Thank God.
But when I got up to move around, my O2 levels dropped from 99% to 84.
Not good.

I was sent home with steroids and an inhaler and told to see my general doctor and a pulminologist as soon as possible.

I talked to my doctor the next day.
He wants to put me on oxygen because he thinks my lungs were damaged by the chemo.
He’s making appointments for a respitory therapist to come to my home…
And called my pulminologist at Fox Chase to consult with him.

I’m supposed to start back to working and instead I feel like I’m in a never ending cycle of bad things happening.

And so I’m awake.
When I should be sleeping.
Feeling very overwhelmed.

And feeling like the words “cancer free” should’ve made me feel better than I actually feel.



October 11, 2017

No evidence of disease. You’d think those words would bring me comfort. They don’t. Doctors don’t really say, “Remission,” anymore. They say,”NED.” That’s it. It pretty much means the same thing, but to me it’s just kind of saying, “There’s no evidence of disease Right Now.” I was told a strange depression comes over you […]

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Pink. The Old Black.

October 6, 2017

There’s this Audrey Hepburn quote I have on my Facebook about the color pink. I used it as a header there for a while because I liked what the words says (honestly, I like most everything Audrey Hepburn had to say… what a classy woman). But, I digress. I remember when I was first diagnosed […]

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The Part Where Nurse Ratchet Tried To Kill Me

August 25, 2017

It’s been a bit since I continued my story and I apologize. Things have been… Hectic. And not great. I’ve been having some side effects from my chemotherapy and surgery and struggling and unfortunately it’s kept me from being able to go to work (which I desperately need to make ends meet). Anyway… Back to […]

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Everything you never wanted to know but were afraid to ask… part 1

July 6, 2017

I’ve sat for literally days thinking about how to share what it’s really like to have a mastectomy and DIEP flap reconstruction without sharing too much {read: scaring people who may soon endure the same hell}. I decided to just tell my story the way it went down (or,  how I remember it.  Because,  I was […]

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It’s so much harder than I imagined.

June 4, 2017

I’ve always sort-of hated my body. I was too fat. Or too short. Or too ugly. My nose was too big. My boobs weren’t perky enough. My butt was too big or not muscular. My thighs never fit in pants properly

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