to everything there is a season

by debi9kids on October 21, 2016

picmonkey-imageFor the past year and a half or so I’ve been learning how to balance college, single parenthood, and dating.
I’ve graduated college at the top of my class, fallen in love with a great man, and figured out that there is definitely more to me than just being a mom.
Not that I don’t love being a mom, but for the longest time, that is really all that I was because my ex-husband didn’t see me as anything but that (and so it was all I saw myself as as well).
Life has been…
For the first time in a really long time.
I have been genuinely happy.

And as it seems to happen,
life has decided to slap me in the face and make me take stock in what’s important, once again.

I have breast cancer.
Stage IIA Triple Negative

Nothing like cancer to make you really wonder if God is real,
if He doesn’t think I don’t deserve happiness,
or if Karma is just one big ugly bitch.

I found out exactly one month ago today.
And I’ve had 30 days to be pissed off,
to have temper tantrums,
to cry and complain,
to ask “why me?”,
and then to finally just come to a place where I realize I’ve been asking all the wrong questions and been mad at God when I really need to just stop being mad.

Being mad doesn’t do anything to help me focus on healing and it definitely doesn’t make my heart feel better.
I’m scared.
And anger doesn’t take that away.

But support and love does.

And for the first time in my life,
I do have support and love of a good man who puts my needs before his (even when I tell him not to).
And I can’t even begin to tell you what a difference that makes in the entire way I look at cancer and survival and feeling better even when I feel lousy.

Don’t get me wrong,
my kids are the reason I will fight with every ounce of my being to be a survivor.
And whether I had a loving man in my life or not, I would not give up fighting because my kids are worth the battle.

But having a man in my life who tells me every day that he loves me and wants to love me into old age gives my life more depth and meaning than I ever realized and that makes me look forward to the next 40 years cancer-free.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1

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without hesitation.

by debi9kids on February 24, 2015

Today is my anniversary.
It marks 19 years since we were married.
And we have finally started court proceedings to finish this divorce.

I was thinking back on the day we said,”I do.”
(which is something people tell me I’ll stop doing… eventually)

Anyway, I was thinking,
I had zero hesitation that day.
I wasn’t worried he wasn’t the man I thought he’d be.
I wasn’t worried I wasn’t the wife he wanted.
I wasn’t worried the life we’d planned wasn’t what we both wanted.

I was certain I was marrying “the love of my life” –
my soul mate.

Of course, I was basing everything I knew about marriage, and love, and commitment by the lives I saw around me…
my grandparents, my parents, my cousins and sister,
but mostly,
I was thinking of the “fantasy” marriage I watched played out as a child on TV.

I’d be June Cleaver.
He’d be Ward.
And our kids would be happy, and silly, and get into trouble,
and at the end of the day
we would all laugh and go to bed feeling blessed and in love.

Ward never showed up.

And I’ll be the first to admit,
I’m no June Cleaver.

The kids were happy, and silly, and got into trouble
but I hardly handled those problems like June would
because at the end of the night,
I was usually still alone.

June had Ward.
I had an empty bed.

And night after night,
year after year,
life got lonely.
And I wanted to be missed.
And wanted the kids to be missed.
Like we missed him.
And he didn’t.

Today is our anniversary.
And you’d think it should hit me harder than it is.
But the truth is,
I’ve been celebrating year after year alone for so long that frankly,
it’s a bit of a relief to finally admit,
my marriage was over before it ever started.

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