clarity

by debi9kids on April 5, 2014

For a long, long time I have allowed myself to believe that I am difficult to please because that is what I have been told over and over and over again.
I have believed that I can’t be made happy,
that I am miserable to be around,
and that I bring everyone down with my negativity.

Last night, I laid in bed after reading a book my friend Jess sent me called When Bad Things Happen to Good People and I realized
I am not miserable,
or difficult to please,
or even angry for that matter.

In fact, I tend to seek out and find happiness in the smallest of moments because I want to be happy all the time,
because I love life,
all of it,
even the really, really crappy moments.

And to be completely honest, I don’t love those “crappy moments” as they are happening but I do tend to love the life lessons I learn from them once I have moved on
because clarity is a good thing.

Last night everything became clear.
Some really, really awful things have happened over the past 10 months and I have unfortunately either allowed them to get the better of me or I have tried to pretend they weren’t happening and it has made me way sadder than I ever like to feel or be.

My marriage is over.
And I am sad,
absolutely and utterly sad.
But I am not destroyed.
I have not lost faith in humanity, or myself, or God.
I haven’t even lost faith in Russ.
I have just seen him and our marriage clearly. Finally.

I don’t want to be filled with anger.
I don’t want to hurt every second of every day.
I want to live happily ever after and continue to find contentment in the tiniest of moments.

Russ has been my friend for 22 years.
He’s been my husband for 18.
And he will be in my life forever
and will be in my heart eternally.

And I can either look at that and feel sadness or I can look at it as the gift that it was/is
and move on and continue to find silver linings.

I won’t dare pretend that this is easy
or that it doesn’t hurt
but I absolutely won’t spend another day dwelling on what is lost but instead will turn my focus on what is to be and what has always been.
being happy



{ 7 comments }

it’s all just crap.

by debi9kids on April 2, 2014

miserable debiDivorce sucks.

Literally sucks the life out of you.
(if you’re normal and have a soul, that is.)

Every day is misery X 20.

It’s hard to force myself to get up and get out of bed (even though when I do go to bed, I’m not sleeping.)
It’s hard to want to clean the house,
or do the laundry,
or cook a meal.

Let alone want to eat.

I started Weight Watchers two weeks ago and I have lost 10 pounds.
Five of them I am sure were from the actual diet and the other five are just from not caring or wanting to eat.
Or frankly even feeling like I am hungry.

Instead, I am just nauseous.

I remember back when he first cheated how I was walking around like a zombie.
I would stand in the kitchen and at some point I would realize I had been standing there for ages and hadn’t even realized the time had passed
and three and a half years later I am back to the exact same crap.
Back to feeling lost.
And I am pissed that I am here again.

I wish I knew then what I know now because I would’ve never bothered and wasted so much time trying.

I don’t deserve this crap.

{ 8 comments }

The “D” Word.

March 27, 2014

First my dad died. And then cancer. Now divorce. To say the past 9 months have been crappy is an understatement. We are getting divorced. Officially. Divorced. Not separated. Not working on things. Divorced. And I am ok with that. Because frankly, I.am.done. I have pretended and covered-up and pretended some more that my husband […]

Read the full article →

sometimes he makes it so easy

March 1, 2014

There are days that I truly wished Will attended school a bit longer, days when I wished he would go to bed earlier, and most certainly days when I wished I could just have a second or two where I didn’t have to worry about his safety. However, I do realize that if I was […]

Read the full article →

Gift of Radiant Warmth

February 24, 2014

I’ve taken to buying myself flowers, partly because I have given up on ever hoping someone would do it for me, partly because I need to stop worrying about anyone else making me happy but me, and mostly because flowers don’t just brighten my room, they brighten my spirit. Today, for our 18th anniversary, Russ […]

Read the full article →

accountability

February 6, 2014

Changes are going on around here, as well as going on inside my home and, more importantly, inside my heart and head. I have been unhappy for a while now and miss writing and frankly I miss myself. I’ve kind-of been hiding behind the identity of “being Will’s mom” and I haven’t allowed myself to […]

Read the full article →

Protected: is it worth the pain?

February 3, 2014

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Read the full article →