I get these bursts of energy and decide to do something like run the vacuum and will be doing well and suddenly I just stop and find myself standing in the middle of the room. Sometimes I am not even sure how long I have been standing there.
Or I might be standing over a sink full of dishes or sitting on the couch folding laundry and not be sure how long I have been sitting holding the same shirt.
Or, like last night, after tucking Will into his crib, I zipped his tent closed and stood with my head leaning against it. I don’t know how long.
I just intended on resting my head a minute and instead…
I wake up and haven’t slept. Did I?
I can’t get dressed, but I have to.
I forget to eat.
I don’t want to eat.
I forgot to feed Emma and Will lunch yesterday. They were crying and I couldn’t figure out why because I was… somewhere. Anywhere. Not here.
How have I become this person who forgets to feed her babies?
What kind of mom have I become?
It’s not fair.
This isn’t me.
I am so angry with Russ for doing this to me. So angry that he has made me this person.
I want me back.
Will I ever get me back?
This empty feeling is impalpable. Yet, at the same time so dense, so very think, I can’t escape it. I can feel it everywhere around me, in everything I do.
This weight. This huge heavy weight holding me down. Exhausting me.
I know I just need to force myself to get up and get out of the house.
Do something, anything so I feel “normal”.
But, right now, I’m just praying I can just find myself first. Find my footing again.
Because, this sucks.