One Second at a Time

by debi9kids on September 2, 2010

My 7 oldest kids started school this week on Monday.
left to right: Alex, Keith, Stephanie, Teddy, David (back), Henry & Gabi

It was something they all were looking forward to because of their desire to make friends and have more social lives.
And, in light of everything happening and us finding out about Russ cheating just 2 days prior, it has been providing a much needed distraction for all of them.

However, for me, it has been extremely difficult being home alone all day long. Over the past year, I have found my company in my children. They have been my everything: 24/7 for 365 days a year.
During that year, when I felt like Russ was slipping away from me, it was my kids who kept me happy. It was for them that I lived. I breathed.

Now my days are spent with Emma & Will.
From 7am to 3:30pm, it’s just the 3 of us.
(Russ is in NJ tying up loose ends and being watched constantly, as sadly, I no longer trust him.)
At first I didn’t think they would have any idea that something has changed in our home, but Will clearly made it apparent that he does.
All he does now, all day long, is cry. Nothing makes him happy. Not me holding him. Not his favorite toys. Not his favorite snacks. Nothing.
It would appear my little boy with sensory issues is also very clearly emotionally sensitive as well 🙁

And while Will has been whining, Emma has been clinging, which honestly wouldn’t seem much different than normal, except that she does not want me out of her sight.
Not ever.
She says she is afraid and that she just wants to “lay my head on your lap, mommy.”

And I am barely hanging on.
I pray constantly and have made appointments for myself and for Russ & I to begin counseling with our pastor next week. I know we need it to start to heal.

The older kids come home each day and the chaos starts.
It’s depressing.
They are struggling to keep themselves afloat and a new school, with a long day and lots of work isn’t helping. They all seem to love it when they are there, but I guess the minute they walk through our door, reality hits.
Everyone is angry. All the time.

I hate seeing my kids hurting so badly and knowing there isn’t much I can do to help the hurt but reassure them that I love them always and that this was not their fault.
And that it wasn’t my fault either.
That their father was selfish and he hurt us.
And that it’s ok to be mad.
Ok to be crying.
Ok to just scream if that’s what they need.
And make sure they remember to pray and lean on God when they don’t think they can make it another minute.
That He WILL see us through.
To have faith.
And remember that every single second is one second closer to healing.

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