Last night after the kids went to bed I sat crying on the couch after Russ told me that he can’t stand to be in the same room as me. I was waiting to hear him tell me that it’s because he loves her and not me or just simply that he doesn’t love me anymore.
What I wasn’t prepared for was his actual answer…. that he doesn’t deserve me to love him, that he doesn’t deserve to ever love anyone again.
I wasn’t prepared for the level of self-hate he has going on,
Wasn’t prepared for the anger he feels towards himself.
I have always known that my faith is more steadfast than his.
Have always known that, although he is physically stronger than me, that I have always been spiritually stronger than he is.
At moments in our lives, and we have had many, where the world has seemed stacked against us, it has always been me to hold us together.
Or, more importantly, it has been my faith.
It has been my God that has held us together.
In the end of each trial in our lives, Russ has always come out standing with me, with God, knowing that it was our God who answered our prayers, kept us whole, showed His mercy when we needed it most.
Sadly, we are back there again.
Back to where Russ’ faith has waivered.
Back where mine is holding fast and his is missing.
Where it’s me again keeping us afloat.
Only this time I don’t feel like carrying Russ.
I don’t feel like easing his burden.
I don’t feel like helping him find his way.
I have given my burdens to God.
I have cast them away.
I can not take Russ’ burdens for myself.
I don’t even want my own burdens.
However, I know me.
I know my heart,
I know my love.
As much as I am angry, my heart is still flowing with love for Russ.
So I will walk this path that is laid before me.
I will help him find his way because that is my purpose.
A friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a long time ran into me yesterday.
She didn’t know and was shocked when I told her.
She hugged me goodbye and “it” was in her eyes – sadness.
Today I received an email from her where she described me as “radiance”.
It was a beautiful email, filled with such hope for me and my family.
That radiance she saw…. that was God’s love.
I see it too, even on my worst days.
It’s shining through in everything I see, and say, and do.
He is with me every day. Every second.
I feel His warmth, His love, His hands on my soul.
I’m not alone, Never alone.
I know He will take my burdens and He will take Russ’ burdens as well.
And some day, with His love, we will find our way back.
I will find a way to forgive Russ and he will find a way to forgive himself.
And, somehow, we will not come out stronger, because we were already strong, but instead, we will come out better ~ With His grace, With His blessings, In His love.