Crippling Fear

by debi9kids on September 29, 2010

I am almost afraid to admit that each day seems to be getting a little better than the one before,
afraid to admit it because I know how quickly it can and likely will come crashing in on me.
Therapy has been helping.
Talking has been helping.
Just getting up each morning, forcing myself to function and live… has been helping.

But, as each day passes and the hurt of my husband’s betrayal gets a little less painful, the day of the baby’s birth gets closer and closer.
And I can not even begin to tell you how badly that cripples me.
It catches my heart and chokes it.

Every day I check my cell phone and Russ’ cell phone, just waiting for a text that will tell me that the baby has arrived.
Every day my breath catches as I lift the phones and look at the screens, praying the baby isn’t here yet.

I know it’s silly.
I know the baby is coming and all the hoping and praying in the world isn’t going to keep that from happening.
I know that one of these days, the text will be there, possibly with a photo that puts it square in my face… the result of Russ’ betrayal.

I pray every day that the baby isn’t his.
I know the day it arrives that we will have to have Russ tested to find out.
And then it will be a waiting game.
And more praying.

And if it is…
Lord, I don’t know.
I honestly don’t know.
My heart tells me to do one thing and my mind tells me to do another and no matter what, someone will be hurt.

Believe me, I know the baby is innocent.
I know.
I know that the baby would have a better life with my family.
I know.
That doesn’t make the decision any easier.

So we wait and pray that we won’t have to make that decision.

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