I Feel Like I’m Bi-Polar

by debi9kids on October 8, 2010

One day I am up, the next down so damn low that I just don’t feel like I can ever get back up again.
And yet, here I am, not feeling quite as bad as I did when I couldn’t sleep last night and needed to unload every thought running through my head. (or, at least the ones I could find words to describe).

Things have honestly been good with Russ and I despite what I wrote last night.
Things between us are good.
(It’s the stuff that goes on in my own head that can be not so good some days.)
But, he and I have been making a lot of progress and a lot of that is because I have actually started our Love Dare. He isn’t aware that I am doing it, that I know of, but I do believe it’s having a positive effect on our relationship.

We are also officially going to therapy and that is helping so much.
It’s strange to be together with someone for 21 years, and yet need to sit in a room with a complete stranger so we can finally talk. Really talk.
It’s also amazing to finally hear Russ say things that I have either wanted or needed to hear for a long, long time. Some of it isn’t easy now and I am sure it will get even harder before it gets better, but it’s a good start.
A positive start.

I just wish I could hold on to this feeling every day instead of swinging back and forth, up and down. My emotions are driving me crazy, I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for my kids to live with. Or Russ.

The one absolute constant I am sticking with every.single.day is prayer.
Every day.
Without fail.
I spend hours talking to God.
And listening.
And even when I don’t feel like He is listening to me, carrying me, or taking my burdens, I KNOW He is.
I remind myself of this.
Every day.
And I know, He is still in control.
He is my light and showing me the way.

*Please know that the comments and emails that go unanswered are not going un-noticed.
It helps more than I can ever express.
I have everything saved. Everything.
And one day, I hope I will have time to reply and explain just how every single prayer, story, expression of love has helped me through this, my darkest hour.
And a special note to all of the many women who have opened up with me about your own personal stories of infidelity… thank you! It helps so much to know others have been here too and have still come out passionate, loving and amazingly honest.

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