If Only.

by debi9kids on October 8, 2010

I wish I could say that every day I wake up feeling better than the one before.
Most days that’s true.
But there are those days when I am just…. burdened.
By my thoughts.

There are days where I literally spend hours scouring my photos, my emails, my texts, the corners of my mind, trying to find clues or signs.
Details I somehow missed.

I get lost in the details.
Lose myself.
Quite literally.

I spend so much time just thinking.
Looking at old blog posts when we were happy and wondering what was he thinking.
Wondering how he could possibly come up here on the weekends and play “happy daddy” and “happy husband” and then go back to NJ to be with her.
With her. {shudder}

The thought makes my skin crawl.

I go out to his truck and I search under the mats, inside the compartments, on the visor, looking for something.
More signs. Or photos. Or letters.
I don’t find any but I find a bottle of cologne and wonder…. was this bought for her? Did he wear this around her? It’s the brand he uses, but a different scent.
New.
The smell makes me sick.
My stomach gets tight and I honestly feel nauseous.

I have to go back into the house and fight my urge to pick up his phone and read the texts again.
Again.
Lord. How many times have I read them?
He kept them.
All of them.
If only I had looked back in January instead of now, I would’ve known.

If only.
God.
The sorriest sounding words ever.
If only.
What a joke.
If only I wasn’t feeling so low.
If only my self-esteem wasn’t below the dirt.
If only this hadn’t happened.

Why, dear God, why?
How much time will I spend losing my mind, myself, feeling burdened, & overwhelmed?
How long God?

Give me strength.
Give me strength.
I need it Lord.
Take my burdens.
Take them.
Help me.
Help me, Lord.
I feel the weight and it’s crushing me.
I need to not feel alone.
Help me.

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