I Need To Be Clear

by debi9kids on October 20, 2010

I am posting about what I am going through not for your approval, not for your adoration, not for your understanding.
I am posting about my marriage because I need to. Because I need to wade through these feelings and writing has always been an easy way for me to find clarity.

Sure, I could’ve just started a journal and kept my journey private but that seemed disingenuous and if nothing else, I am always honest with myself and with my friends and family. There was no way I could just go on posting photos and happiness on my blog without feeling like a phony. I didn’t want to be dishonest about my life to myself or anyone else.

I have purposely kept details off of here to protect myself, my husband, my children and even Tammy;
Details that are only necessary for those of us intimately involved.
They are details that have led me in my decision making and although you may not understand or agree with those decisions, please know, I am not making any choices lightly.

Please also understand, although you might think you are helping me by telling me to “dump him”, “leave him”, “don’t trust him”, etc and may think that I am “TRAPPED”, I assure you, I am not feeling trapped and while it would’ve been easy on day 1 to have just “dumped him”, that is not my plan.

While I am a faithful & Christian woman, I am not trapped by my faith.
My God gave me free will and I can do whatever I feel fit to do with my life, for myself and my children. And that is EXACTLY what I am doing.
I KNOW not everyone would make this choice. I am positive of that. However, it is the choice I am being led to make.

I thank my friends and family for the encouragement, prayers and honesty they have given me as I have walked along this shaky path. I have many good moments and many bad and I am quite certain, I wouldn’t make it through the day without knowing I am never, ever alone.

Where I stand at this point… it is honestly a new beginning.
We are starting over.
We had our first date last night and are treating it as just that… our first.

I want to be able to share this journey to give hope to others as well as to continue to heal my own heart. And honestly, one day, when my children are grown and look back on this time, I want them to see that God gave me strength when I needed it and that anything is possible with His love.

Comments that are left to discourage me, will not lead me to leave the path I am on, but rather will only encourage me to continue fighting for what I know to be right.

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