While it was nice to get out yesterday and feel normal as a family, I can’t help but feel most days that I am in the midst of re-inventing myself and honestly, sometimes it just sucks.
For the most part, I liked myself before and, although I knew I needed to lose weight, I really wasn’t disappointed with who I was as a person and yet, here I am, trying to find the “new” me.
Sometimes life seems so unreal.
Ok, most of the time it does.
I am certainly much happier now than I was a month ago, but Lord, if I could just change all of this, I would in a heartbeat.
When all of this first happened, I remember needing to talk to my friends so badly and yet, there was one friend I kind-of avoided talking to because I just wasn’t sure what to say and I knew I would lose it when I heard her voice.
Turns out, I was wrong and talking to my friend Jess proved to be one of the most valuable conversations I think I have had since first hearing Russ cheated.
When I finally got up the nerve to respond to Jess’ texts and call her back, she had so much advice to give me for how to deal with the loss and the pain and for how to move on.
Her years of dealing with her daughter Tuesday’s cancer diagnosis and then her death had left Jess with a wealth of knowledge about loss, not that she would ever credit herself with it, but it was there, none-the-less, to help me.
Up until talking to Jess, I hadn’t looked at Russ’ infidelity as loss, but just as betrayal, and it was Jess who made me see that the life I had come to know and love was gone and I needed to allow myself to grieve that loss and then try to rebuild and move on.
It was also Jess who made me truly realize how very different my life would be from that moment on…
and how right she was.
The things that used to give me happiness don’t always do so anymore, just as things that never made me happy do now.
It’s a strange thing, months later, to look back and reflect on how much has changed, not because I wanted it to, but because it needed to.
Because it was inevitable.
I don’t always like the changes I see but know they had to happen in order for Russ and I to move on. I am pretty sure I have moved past grieving the life we once had and have now begun to accept our new “normal”.
Honestly, aside from the fleeting moments where I reflect on what Russ has done, our new “normal” is actually pretty good. It’s definitely happier than it was and we are definitely not taking anything for granted.
Not ever again.
ps Jess, thank you, my sweet friend. I love you & appreciate you more than I can ever, ever express.