can’t win for losing

by debi9kids on August 12, 2011

It has seriously been a bad week,

a one step forward, two steps back kind of week.

No.

More like 4, or 5, or 6 steps back.

Some of that is because of just plain old life and some is because of what life has thrown at me and my inability to just “deal with it”.

Like I said, it’s been bad.

There has been a horrible, and I mean horrible, amount of fighting going on in our home and if I can be honest, I can not wait for the kids to go back to school. Their arguing is driving me insane. It’s over stupid things, big things & pretty much anything and it’s annoying & exhausting for everyone in the home.

And, to be fair, it isn’t all of the kids, it’s mostly one or two and it’s just become a battlefield for all of us and it’s awful.

And, if I can be really honest, I am not at a place where I can deal with this. I’m not consumed by Russ’ infidelity, but I do still find myself very often just feeling like…

why the hell did he do this to us?

I trust him.

I’ve even forgiven him.

But forgetting,

now that is something I’d really like to figure out and get a handle on.

It’s not that I spend my time thinking about the details. Honestly, if anything, I do everything possible not to do that.

It’s the act,

The cheating,

meaning the fact that he cheated,

that sits in my head and keeps me awake.

I read a quote a while ago…

I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note – torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one. ~Henry Ward Beecher

It made me wonder, is he right?

If I can’t forget that Russ cheated, is it the same as not forgiving?

Because I am sure it feels that way to Russ when I bring it up.

I know it hurts him to think of how he hurt me and I know when I remind him of that fact over & over that it just makes him feel more guilty.

And I know there are some who say, ” who cares? Russ should feel guilty,” but it’s no way to live and it’s not fair to either of us if we’re going to remain together happily.

Or try to.

So, how do I do it?

Well, that’s the question of the day, isn’t it?

And what the heck is the answer?

Because I will tell you with 100% certainty, I will figure it out.



More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse. ~Doug Larson

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