If only.

by debi9kids on August 16, 2011

I can’t sleep.

It’s almost 4am, I’m exhausted, and I can’t sleep.

I wish I could.

I’m so tired, just so damn tired and yet when I lay down to go to sleep, my mind races.

And I’m just feeling so hurt and honestly, I don’t quite understand it.

I love Russ.

Our marriage is and has been in such a good place for a while now and I’m genuinely happy when he’s with me and miss him when he’s not and yet…

all over again the hurt is there and the feelings of betrayal are like it was yesterday.

I expected that the baby was going to be his.

I did.

I knew it.

I didn’t want it to be his, Russ didn’t want it to be either, but deep down, we both knew it was and even still…

this overwhelming hurt,

like nothing I can describe.

For both of us.

it’s impalpable

And it doesn’t matter what either of us say, doesn’t matter how much we try to comfort one another, nothing takes this hurt away.

Except time, I suppose.

And prayers.

Because, honestly, this pain, it’s deeper than I thought possible. It’s creeping into my happiness and stealing it from me. It’s putting a cloud over my everything and painting it all gray and gloomy and sad.

And it’s hard to be a mommy to toddlers who want me to smile and play and laugh when all I feel like doing is crawling under covers and sleeping…

if only I could sleep.

If only.

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