You Can Keep The Bastard OR Back The Hell Off

by debi9kids on November 6, 2011

I have been asked many times, especially recently, how I have survived the past 15 months and while I have been secretive about most of my posts dealing with infidelity lately, this is not a post that should be hidden.

I wish I could say there is an easy answer, that there is something I have done that was/is different from what others in this situation have chosen, but the truth is, no situation is the same. Sure, there are similarities, but I have found through opening up here, joining infidelity groups and reading lots and lots of books, that nothing prepares you for infidelity and nothing you think you know to be true of yourself is.
You will find yourself making decisions you never thought you’d be making and in spite of yourself, regardless of the hurt, you find you still love the one who hurts you.

And you’re left with a huge choice.
Let the other woman keep the bastard or fight for your marriage, for everything you thought it was and everything you hope it will be.

And trust me, it’s not an easy decision.
The initial feelings are to kiss his ass goodbye, throw him to the curb and just walk away, lost but head held high.
And, for some, that is where they stay,
angry at first, then numb, and then… just…
moving on.

For others, like me, that first initial feeling passes quickly and life flashes before your eyes…
Your wedding.
Your babies.
Was it a lie?
Is it worth saving?
And, it’s an easy answer.
It is worth the fight,
and it is a fight like nothing you have ever experienced.

However, you aren’t the only one making the choice,
and that’s the kicker.
He has to want it too,
has to, or there is no way to move forward.
And that might be the hardest part for any woman to understand or accept because as much as the infidelity wasn’t your choice, it also seems that reconciling the marriage is not your choice either unless he wants it.

For me(us), it was Russ’ choice.
If he wanted to walk, I would’ve let him.
(hell, I would’ve shown him the door with my foot on his ass)
But, he wanted to fight and so we did/are.

That is when the “control” switches hands
and you call the shots
and he agrees or he leaves.
Period.

And it is about give and take.
It has to be.
As much as your initial reaction is to torture him with expectations he can never meet, the reality is, if you love him, you will be honest in your attempt to reconcile.

Anything else isn’t fair to either of you.

I’ll be honest, it has not been all roses and snowflakes.
It’s work.
Hard work.
In the beginning, it’s simply getting him to be honest with you about the affair and you getting beyond the hurt and the details to be able to move forward.
As time goes on, it becomes less about the details and more about finding trust and keeping it.

And, if you do it right, you might even find that the marriage you thought you had was never as good as the marriage you’ve created.
(we’re getting there…)

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