You Can Keep The Bastard OR Back The Hell Off

by debi9kids on November 6, 2011

I have been asked many times, especially recently, how I have survived the past 15 months and while I have been secretive about most of my posts dealing with infidelity lately, this is not a post that should be hidden.

I wish I could say there is an easy answer, that there is something I have done that was/is different from what others in this situation have chosen, but the truth is, no situation is the same. Sure, there are similarities, but I have found through opening up here, joining infidelity groups and reading lots and lots of books, that nothing prepares you for infidelity and nothing you think you know to be true of yourself is.
You will find yourself making decisions you never thought you’d be making and in spite of yourself, regardless of the hurt, you find you still love the one who hurts you.

And you’re left with a huge choice.
Let the other woman keep the bastard or fight for your marriage, for everything you thought it was and everything you hope it will be.

And trust me, it’s not an easy decision.
The initial feelings are to kiss his ass goodbye, throw him to the curb and just walk away, lost but head held high.
And, for some, that is where they stay,
angry at first, then numb, and then… just…
moving on.

For others, like me, that first initial feeling passes quickly and life flashes before your eyes…
Your wedding.
Your babies.
Was it a lie?
Is it worth saving?
And, it’s an easy answer.
It is worth the fight,
and it is a fight like nothing you have ever experienced.

However, you aren’t the only one making the choice,
and that’s the kicker.
He has to want it too,
has to, or there is no way to move forward.
And that might be the hardest part for any woman to understand or accept because as much as the infidelity wasn’t your choice, it also seems that reconciling the marriage is not your choice either unless he wants it.

For me(us), it was Russ’ choice.
If he wanted to walk, I would’ve let him.
(hell, I would’ve shown him the door with my foot on his ass)
But, he wanted to fight and so we did/are.

That is when the “control” switches hands
and you call the shots
and he agrees or he leaves.
Period.

And it is about give and take.
It has to be.
As much as your initial reaction is to torture him with expectations he can never meet, the reality is, if you love him, you will be honest in your attempt to reconcile.

Anything else isn’t fair to either of you.

I’ll be honest, it has not been all roses and snowflakes.
It’s work.
Hard work.
In the beginning, it’s simply getting him to be honest with you about the affair and you getting beyond the hurt and the details to be able to move forward.
As time goes on, it becomes less about the details and more about finding trust and keeping it.

And, if you do it right, you might even find that the marriage you thought you had was never as good as the marriage you’ve created.
(we’re getting there…)

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

Sharlene November 6, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Love this post Debi. And I love you too!

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debi9kids November 6, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Thanks Shar <3

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Heather November 7, 2011 at 1:30 am

Love the simple blunt truth of this Debi. <3

Keep fighting and looking up. <3

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Terri O November 7, 2011 at 1:35 am

Like Shar, I love the post and you! SO glad you are getting your marriage back!

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tw November 7, 2011 at 3:00 am

u r amazing..we have a lot of things in common. i love your honesty. ur kids are awesome. i don't always comment, but i always read! blessings to you and ur family!

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Christy November 7, 2011 at 5:14 am

Love you! Great post!

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Barbara Manatee November 7, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I'm glad you're both fighting for it!! Hope that neither of you lose that desire as time goes on!

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Life with kaishon November 7, 2011 at 6:01 pm

I feel so sad you had to go through all of this : (

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debi9kids November 7, 2011 at 6:03 pm

Thanks friend.
You and me both.

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Mimi November 7, 2011 at 6:09 pm

I know this hasn't been an easy road, and it hasn't been a bed of roses, but you are still an amazing example through your honesty and transparency! Thank you!

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Christina November 8, 2011 at 4:55 am

I really like this posts…it's so honest and strong! It's hard seeing you struggle through this but you are amazing!

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debi9kids November 8, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Thank you for the ping-back to my blog post. I really do appreciate you helping to share my message.
Infidelity doesn't have to mean the end to marriage :)

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Cheryl November 8, 2011 at 5:50 pm

INCREDIBLE. How is it that I can envision you counseling and consoling and bolstering others who find themselves in this same situation. You are an inspiration, Debi.

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debi9kids November 8, 2011 at 6:01 pm

maybe some time down the road….. thanks for saying so, though :)

ps Just noticed that you're a dot com ! Congrats!

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Jessica @FoundtheMar November 15, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Thanks for such a raw and well-written post about your experience over the past year. I'm sure it has been a difficult ride.

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Andrea (PARENTise) November 15, 2011 at 4:00 pm

Wow – what an honest post. Thank you for sharing your story. We never know what we will do when we are in the "situation" until we are in it and wow – your story really makes me think. Keep working – you're doing it for you!

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Melinda-LooKWhatMomF November 16, 2011 at 3:00 am

for some the betrayal is too much to bear, I don't know if I could do it. I commend you for putting the marriage first and not your own emotions and reactions.

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debi9kids November 16, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Thank you. It certainly hasn't been easy, but it's been worth it and that in itself is a big deal that I can feel right in saying that now :)

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Nina November 19, 2011 at 12:50 pm

I'm going through a similar situation, my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on my with his ex girlfriend (online chat, they did not get physical), and im struggling in forgiving him or just letting go. We are not married, but I know we love each other more than words can express, and everything I had (thought) with him is all I want in life….. What do you say? Could you forgive him if a marriage and kids are not in the picture?

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debi9kids November 19, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Hi Nina.
I'm very sorry for your situation. Often times, I understand that emotional affairs are harder to deal with than physical affairs.
My husband's affair was strickly sex, although it did lead to a baby. While that has been horrible to deal with, the affair had been "easier" to "get over".

As for you, all I can suggest is that you need to follow your heart. Give yourself all the time you need to figure it out and if he doesn't want to wait and doesn't fight for you, you have your answer.
Also, get help for youself. Get counseling. Join grou
ps (would you like an invite to mine?) And don't let anyone make you feel like what you're going through isn't real. It is.
I'm so sorry.

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debi9kids December 14, 2011 at 6:46 pm

Thank you for following our journey.

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Marcelina hardy December 16, 2011 at 9:50 am

Wow. You deserve a medal. I love how you wrote after all the babies and everything. That's how it was for me. I just couldn't walk away and yes, while I hated him, I still loved him too. The pain was great but the good thing about pain is that bit does subside and the thing that I am most grateful for is that my husband stayed by my side through it all. I am not proud of the cheating but I am proud of what he did afterwards. It's made me such a different person and so much stronger…I am so glad that I gave this marriage a second try and now my mission is to help others make their marriage succeed after cheating. Thanks so much for sharing your extraordinary experience with others. You are awesome.

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debi9kids December 16, 2011 at 12:09 pm

thank you. lately I haven't been feeling so awesome, so it's nice of you to say.

I am hoping we will get to the point where the pain lessens. I've been told by many many women that the second year is harder than the first and sadly, it seems to be true :(

thank you for your support :)

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