what infidelity does to a woman

by debi9kids on November 21, 2011

Infidelity is ugly.
It brings out the ugly in everyone involved,
and it magnifies it,

When Russ cheated, it forced me to look at myself in a way I truly hate to look at myself,
up close.
I have never been a confident person and realizing Russ had gone to someone else for something that should’ve only been mine shook my already lower-than-low confidence level to the core.

There is something that happens to any woman that is cheated on…
it doesn’t matter if your confidence is as low as mine or if you were the most beautiful, most self-confident woman alive,
you are crushed and made to feel… worthless.

And, it doesn’t matter if the other woman is more beautiful than you, or ordinary, or the ugliest woman alive.
It really doesn’t.
No matter what she looks like, all that matters is that you were made to feel like dirt.
By him.
And her.

And the ugly comes out,
from you.
from him.
and from her.

I made him tell me everything.
All of the details,
all the ugly, sordid, why-did-I-need-to-know details.
I knew her name.
I googled her.
I saw her face
and I started,
with name calling, and making fun, and ripping Russ apart for cheating on me with her.

And there was no reason,
except for my need to feel better about myself
because he made me feel so bad.

I’d love to say she is ugly.
She isn’t.
{on the surface}
But it doesn’t matter.
She brought out the ugly in me,
and so did Russ.

And I do feel bad.
Because they turned me into someone filled with rage, and hate, and loathing like I’ve never known.
And, I’m sorry.

Mind you, not for allowing myself to hurt and be angry.

But because I allowed their ugly actions to make me ugly as well.
And, the truth is, I’m beautiful.

So there Photobucket

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

Mychal B. November 21, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Yes you ARE!


debi9kids November 21, 2011 at 4:23 pm

thank you, friend.


Heather November 21, 2011 at 4:24 pm

Yes you are!! =]

Love ya my friend! =]


debi9kids November 21, 2011 at 4:25 pm

thank you for always supporting me!
Love to you as well 🙂


jessica November 21, 2011 at 4:32 pm

Phew! I bet that felt good.

Beautiful, indeed.


debi9kids November 21, 2011 at 4:33 pm

and been a long time coming too 😉
Thanks Jess <3


Life with kaishon November 21, 2011 at 4:55 pm

You are exceptionally beautiful.


debi9kids November 21, 2011 at 6:10 pm

thank you, my friend <3


Mimi November 21, 2011 at 5:16 pm

That was absolutely amazing! You are beautiful. Inside and out. I've followed you long enough, through all of this insanity, to know your heart and depth and breadth of your beauty. You have been an amazing example with your honest sharing. The last sentence gave me goosebumps!


debi9kids November 21, 2011 at 6:10 pm

thank you, Mimi, for being along on this journey with me. My friends have held me up (and together) when I needed them most and when I didn't even know I did.
Much love


robin November 21, 2011 at 7:03 pm

wow, what beautiful honesty, poured out with such bravery. This is my first time stopping by, and I love your writing!


debi9kids November 21, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Thank you Robin 🙂


Pol November 21, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Beautiful post – love your writing and your family Debi!


aunt maryli n November 22, 2011 at 2:02 am

debi: everything you feel is normal, at least as I can remember and relate to.,.,,but remember, you are not the weak one, he is….my thing with my ex was always, if you were'nt happy, don't get involved with someone else, come to me and tell me you were not happy,….just remember it is not you….


Laura November 22, 2011 at 3:49 am

Your words always strike so close to home with me (so much so that it is almost scary, really!) They help give validity to my thoughts and feelings. I even had my husband read this one – I have never been able to make him understand how I felt because I just couldn't put it into words for him.

You are truly a beautiful person – thank you for opening up and sharing your most personal journey with us. (((HUGS))) <3


Holly November 22, 2011 at 6:32 am

Beautifully written, I know how you feel and it took a long time for me to start to re-gain confidence in myself and my life. I can say now; minus the cheating husband and eight years later, I can finally admit that I love the person that I am. You will get there too, I believe in you and you are certainly beautiful.


Tracie November 22, 2011 at 5:17 pm

You are so VERY beautiful. Inside and out.


debi9kids November 22, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Thank you Tracie!


Krishann November 23, 2011 at 4:23 am

I agree with everyone you are so beautiful! Your beauty shines through even in a post about such an ugly ordeal. I admire your courage to talk about such a difficult topic and my prayers and thoughts are with you. Continue to be the beautiful woman you were created to be. While it is nice to be easy on the eyes outwardly 🙂 looks are fleeting but who you are on the inside – that lasts! Your children are blessed to have you. Take Care!!


Gianna November 23, 2011 at 5:50 pm

HI, I stopped by from JUST WRITE

I watched the previews to Parenthood (I didn't actually watch the show), and one of the characters (who is married) kissed someone who wasn't his wife.

In the preview she kept asking him, "Are you attracted to her?"

And in my head I was thinking, "Of course he is. If he wasn't he wouldn't have kissed her in the first place! The real question is, 'do you still love me and is our marriage worth it?'"

I'm so sorry you have gone through this. Reading your story makes me sick to my stomach because this wasn't what marriage should be.

You truly are a beautiful person, created in the image of God!


Lisa November 24, 2011 at 3:22 pm

You are beautiful…inside and out


Laurel December 8, 2011 at 8:07 am

Oh my! My little side bar list says that you haven't posted in 3 months, so I thought you'd stopped blogging. I now have MUCH reading to do. 🙂

So glad you didn't disappear forever.

Wondering if the private group is still going, as I haven't gotten any updates from it in a couple of months, either.

4 months after I discovered my husband's affair, I went to lunch with a friend and spilled my guts. Here is what this "older woman" Bible Study Leader told me …

#1 Lose weight.

#2 Buy cute clothes.

#3 Get your hair highlighted.

#4 Win your husband back.

Can you believe it? She was practically telling me I was the ugliest woman around. To make matters worse …

#1 I had just lost 30#

#2 I had brand new cute clothes on.

#3 My hair was recently highlighted.

It was HORRIBLE. Talk about feeling UGLY … a slap in the face … a crushing blow to any self-confidence I might have had left.

Thankfully, the Lord reminded me of another dear friend … who has "Barbie Doll" beauty … who's husband had recently had an affair. No. It is NOT about physical appearance.

Anyway … next week is the 1 year "anniversary" of my discovery. While I have been dreading it, the Lord has truly changed my heart. I actually have something to celebrate: we have survived the most difficult year of our lives … we are moving forward … the Lord is bringing healing … Praising HIM this week.



mama of a dozen

ages 9, 10, 11, 13, 15, 18, 21, 22, 22, 24, 26, 27


Matt January 5, 2012 at 12:04 pm


Just found your blog recently and am drinking so much in…

…thank you

…..have a nice day 🙂



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