So, if 40 is the new 20….

by debi9kids on December 29, 2011

then why do I feel so damn old?

wait.
Don’t answer that.
I actually know the answer.

I really don’t feel that old.
Honestly, I don’t feel a day over 26 (because how can all these years have gone by???) and frankly, I know I don’t really look older than my mid-30’s.
So, the number really shouldn’t matter.

Right?

It never really did matter, although I’ll be honest and say that turning 26 was traumatic for me (because I was closer to 30???).

I started “life” early and “had” my first baby via foster care by the time I was 21 (and he was already 10 months old).
So, in theory, I should feel like a young, hip mom to have kids in high-school and I only just turned 40.

So, why don’t I???

A stupid little thing called infidelity.
It messes with your head and makes you feel…
crappy,
and worthless,
and unattractive,
and undesirable,
and old.
(even if she is older than I am)
And even if he reassures me that he always found me more beautiful inside and out…
it doesn’t matter.
Because infidelity screws with confidence
and makes it extremely hard to turn 40 and feel…
not 40.

I can (and do) put on make-up.
I dress nicer than I used to because I guess somewhere in my pre-infidelity world I thought I had to look like a mom if I was a mom.
Now, I don’t so much look like a mom,
but I am very careful not to look like a mom trying not to look like a mom.
(if you know what I mean…)

Instead,
I know I look young and I’m working on feeling young
or, at least
feeling good.

Quite frankly, the past 2 years have kicked my butt
and some days I am amazed I’m not an alcoholic or catatonic.
Some days, I am impressed that my hair hasn’t greyed, my face hasn’t wrinkled and I haven’t gained 50 pounds.

Stress…
it’ll kill you,
if you let it.

And, turning 40,
it was just one of those things I let stress me out,
for no reason other than it was just one more crappy thing thrown on my plate.

But,
as you might be aware…
revenge is a dish best served warm and the best revenge I can think of is to be
forty & fabulous…
and I so plan on workin’ it like it’s nobody’s business 😉

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

JulieBouf December 29, 2011 at 5:55 pm

you ARE fabulous! And you screw mid-thirties…you don't look a day over 31 😉

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JulieBouf December 29, 2011 at 5:56 pm

yea…that came out wrong. i suck at typing.

Reply

debi9kids December 29, 2011 at 5:59 pm

heehee.. I think I'd be able to figure out what you meant 😉
Thanks.

Reply

Hurtin' Mama December 30, 2011 at 10:04 pm

My 50th is coming up quirky, and I'm dreading it. Before infidelity … it didn't really bother me that I was getting older. I was confident. I felt good about myself. Then … life fell apart.

I, too, am younger, thinner, prettier, than the "other woman". But … you know what … that doesn't matter, does it? He still chose her.

We just survived our 1 year anniversary of the discovery. I wonder if we'll make it to the 2 year mark (or our 30th anniversary next summer). So sad. So hard.

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