sitting down inside the rabbit hole

by debi9kids on March 17, 2012

I’d love to say life is just fine and dandy.
The truth is, it isn’t.

I’m trying hard to be patient,
Trying hard to be thankful,
Trying hard to just appreciate the blessings.

But, instead, I seem to be feeling lots and lots of bitterness.

Yesterday, on one of the forums I frequent for survivors of infidelity, I saw a comment written that struck home:
Infidelity, the “gift” that keeps on giving.

Sadly, it’s true.
The pain of infidelity never goes away.
It just dulls.
And every once in a while, it sneaks up on you and aches just as bad as it did the day you found out.

In short,
it’s hell.

The really awful part is that there are so many things than can trigger these feelings,
a word,
a smell,
a sight,
a memory,
anything really,
so that you never know when it’s going to hit until it does.

And it sends you right back down that rabbit hole
and sometimes you end up not sure if you ever want to climb back out.

That is where I am right now,
Down inside the hole
and I could care less if I get back out right now.

I’m unhappy,
with so much.
And just feeling very cheated (and cheated on).
And, honestly, I don’t really know what I want anymore other than wishing this wasn’t my life right now.

It’s not all about my marriage,
it’s everything.
And I know a good portion of it is me and my lack of faith.

I’m mad at God.
I am.
And I hate feeling this way,
but prayers aren’t helping.
And, no matter how many times I ask God “why???” there is no answer that doesn’t hurt.

So, I’m sitting in this hole
wallowing.
And trying to figure things out…

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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Holly March 17, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Oh Debit, I'm sorry you are feeling bad. You ought to know how much I admire your strength. Thursday night Bill opened a beer and the sound of the can opening freaked me out. I have never seen him drunk and he seldom even drinks, but that sound took me back to Wade and his drunken rages.

You are entitled to your feelings whatever they may be. It has been eight years since Wade left and about four years since we have even heard from him and he is still able to freak me out.

Let me know if you need to vent.

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Beth March 17, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Im not wearing your shoes so I may be wrong but from your description above I think I know part of your struggle. You have redefined yourself. You are no longer Russ's wife, the mother of nine kids, champion of orphans, child of God. You have chosen to become "survivor of infertility." I know you didn't choose the circumstances that offered you this definition. But you grabbed it … In the same way that other wounded souls do. I watched my mother redefine herself as a survivor of breast cancer. Perhaps I have redefined myself as survivor of pain. But now it becomes a matter of focus. No one forces you to think about it every day. You choose that … By frequenting forums with others who have embraced this definition. And you almost wallow in it. And it begins to anger you that the rest of us are insensitive to your pain so you retreat further into that forum where they do understand. You stand at a crossroads where you must choose. Can you consciously choose to stop wallowing and start living? To give God and time room to heal your heart? To move past this version of you to a better one? If not … The pain won't go away and it won't get better. It can't.

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debi9kids March 17, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Beth, I'm sure you're right.
I actually try not to go on the forums too often for that reason. It makes me crazy
Thank you for putting it so bluntly and correctly
I just don't quite feel ready.
Incidentally, my mom gave me the same advice today.
As much as I hate it, I know I have to somehow move on and that just scares me.

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Beth Zimmerman March 17, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Understand that I am NOT implying that you have an evil spirit by sharing this parable. I just think it applies:

43 “When an evil spirit leaves a person, it goes into the desert, seeking rest but finding none. 44 Then it says, ‘I will return to the person I came from.’ So it returns and finds its former home empty, swept, and in order. 45 Then the spirit finds seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they all enter the person and live there. And so that person is worse off than before. That will be the experience of this evil generation.” Matthew 12: 43-45

You cannot simply choose to not dwell on infidelity anymore. It WILL keep coming back! You are going to have to live with this and the consequences permanently. So it's up to you to choose the parameters in which you will deal with it.

First you need to choose another topic or two to really pour your heart and energy into. Large families, foster care, adoption, mixed race families, prejudice (multiple fronts), autism, special needs children and the challenges they bring (along with the blessings), childhood cancer, etc. Force yourself to focus, and write, on that instead. And when the subject of infidelity arises TELL that voice that you are not dealing with it right now … you're focused elsewhere. And then follow through! You may be surprised at how quickly it becomes easier. Never easy because Satan doesn't let go that easy … but easier as you make the right choice!

And you get the bonus that your marriage is blessed because you are not constantly (unintentionally) reminding Russ that he is responsible for your pain and grief. And your kids are blessed because they learn, by your awesome example, the power of love, grace, and forgiveness! And they learn that it is possible to rise above undesirable circumstances and build something beautiful! They learn that they do not have to be defined by their circumstances! And the internet is doubly blessed because you give us the same message PLUS the power of your focus on other things!

CHOOSE Debi! Every single moment! And choose wisely!

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Mum-me March 17, 2012 at 2:49 pm

So sorry to read this Debi …. but I know you'll bounce back! Stay in the hole for a while and nurse your wounds. Let someone take care of you for a change. Ask your older kids to look after the younger ones so you can have a break (that's what I do – they usually are happy to help when they know I'm really feeling down).

Of course, me spouting off 'great' advice from the other side of the world isn't helpful at all, so I'll say finish by saying you're in my prayers.

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Cat@jugglingact March 20, 2012 at 4:55 am

Just lots of love

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Mimi March 21, 2012 at 8:11 pm

I know it Deb. It doesn't take much does it. Same thing for me and my situation. Only a moment and we can be right back in that place we were so long ago. Walking in forgiveness, believing the Lord had a plan for GOOD in this situation., all that stuff, doesn't work all the time. There are days when I think God to a leave of absence when it came to my life.

You've been through SO much this past couple of years. Moving is one of the hardest things on a person/family. And you've done so TWICE recently. It's no wonder you're feeling this way. And you know what? God knows that. He understands. Easy to say, hard to believe, trust me!

We'll all get through this together Deb! One day, often times one moment at a time. Just never give up!

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