I’d love to say life is just fine and dandy.
The truth is, it isn’t.
I’m trying hard to be patient,
Trying hard to be thankful,
Trying hard to just appreciate the blessings.
But, instead, I seem to be feeling lots and lots of bitterness.
Yesterday, on one of the forums I frequent for survivors of infidelity, I saw a comment written that struck home:
Infidelity, the “gift” that keeps on giving.
Sadly, it’s true.
The pain of infidelity never goes away.
It just dulls.
And every once in a while, it sneaks up on you and aches just as bad as it did the day you found out.
The really awful part is that there are so many things than can trigger these feelings,
so that you never know when it’s going to hit until it does.
And it sends you right back down that rabbit hole
and sometimes you end up not sure if you ever want to climb back out.
That is where I am right now,
Down inside the hole
and I could care less if I get back out right now.
with so much.
And just feeling very cheated (and cheated on).
And, honestly, I don’t really know what I want anymore other than wishing this wasn’t my life right now.
It’s not all about my marriage,
And I know a good portion of it is me and my lack of faith.
I’m mad at God.
And I hate feeling this way,
but prayers aren’t helping.
And, no matter how many times I ask God “why???” there is no answer that doesn’t hurt.
So, I’m sitting in this hole
And trying to figure things out…