cleaning out the attic (aka my head)

by debi9kids on May 8, 2012

I feel like I have just become burnt out.
We have hit the end of the year rush and LORD, I seriously am feeling it.
It’s intense and every single day I just feel like I have this huge list of things I need to do and by the end of the day, I feel like I haven’t done any of it.
Ugh!My girls had their prom at their old high school the last week of April and David just had his prom this past weekend and I have to say, I am SO glad it is over.
While it is an exciting time for my kids, it is a stressful and EXPENSIVE time for mom and dad and I am just glad to be able to shut my pocketbook, if only for a few weeks.Speaking of…
In just a few weeks, David and Stephanie graduate from high school!
My heart!
I have yet to plan a graduation party and that’s partly because my mom and I need to plan it together because my sister Tina and my brother Corey are also graduating this year,
from the same school.
Yes.
That means that on graduation day, I will have four reasons to cry 😉 Not only will David and Steph be graduating, but both Emma and Will are also having little graduation parties at their preschool classes too.
Again palpitations.
Where have my babies gone???? And, Mother’s Day is coming up this week. And, while I’d love to say it means nothing to me, that is a lie.
I love Mother’s Day.
It’s all about me and there aren’t many days in my life where that actually happens and I just enjoy it.
Maybe that sounds a little selfish, but it is what it is.
I love the breakfast that Russ will inevitably make for me.
I love that the kids will go out of their way to write me cards or make me gifts… things that no one else will have because they are made just for me.
I love that it’s the day I can “demand” hugs when I want them and no one can do anything but give me what I want 😉
And I love that it’s just a day to celebrate what means the most to me in this world… motherhood. If it seems like I’ve been focusing a lot on Will these days, it’s because I have been.
To be completely and utterly honest, life with autism isn’t always rosy and often it’s incredibly lonely.
Just tonite, Russ & I and some of the kids were sitting at the table talking to members of a local church and we got to talking about why it’s so difficult for us to make it to church anymore….
And, I hate admitting this, but pretty much every decision we make we consider Will first and church with him is difficult, mainly because every church we have ever attended is not “Will friendly”.
There is never a class that is appropriate for him, he can’t tolerate sitting during the service for longer than a few minutes , and honestly, what is the point of me sitting in the cry-room with him? I don’t get to experience the community of the church, can’t hear the service, and spend the entire time I am there trying to keep Will busy.

While I was explaining why church has proven difficult for us (me) the past few years… I started to cry.
(I always cry)

Life is lonely.

I miss getting out and with Russ not here a lot of the time and the kids all active in school and sports, it doesn’t leave much time for me and what I do get is completely and 100% focused on William.

And don’t get me wrong, he.is.my.life and I would trade nothing about him, but I would love to have just a little bit of “girlfriend” time.I think this is why I have jumped SO much into the Ryan Gosling Special Needs Meme and why I am now completely addicted to Instagram.
For the first time in a really, really long time I feel like I have a connection with people who just “get” it.
They get raising a child with severe special needs and suddenly I don’t feel so lost,
or alone,
or misunderstood.
And that is priceless.And while I am confessing my feelings…
it has been 20 months since I found out about Russ cheating.
TWENTY months.
They say it gets easier with time and while I don’t know exactly who they are, for the most part, they are right.
Most days are “easier” than the one before it, but I do still have days where all it takes is for Russ to look at me “wrong” and I am angry or crying or both.
It is still very hard.
It still hurts when I stop and think about it all, so I try my best to not stop and do that, but sometimes there is nothing I can do and it just comes flooding back and it’s as painful as it was that God-awful day in Washington DC.

It’s hard for both Russ and I.
He is filled with guilt and I am filled with… mixed emotions.

So, we work on our marriage,
Every single day.
And every day, we are that much closer to being able to say “we have survived this and have come out stronger”. And, whew, I sound negative, and pessimistic, and a little depressing, don’t I?
(see what I mean about needing some girlfriend time???)
Trust me, I’m just venting.
Most of the time, I really do find hope in the itty bitty moments of life and taking the time to photograph so many of those moments on Instagram has given me even more focus.
As many ups and downs as I have faced, my life is a blessing and I take nothing for granted.

 

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Life with Kaishon May 7, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Oh my Deb! It sounds like May is an insanely busy and emotion filled month for you. Praying for strength for you as you have so much on your plate right now. Sending lots of love. Becky

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Mum-me May 7, 2012 at 8:28 pm

You ability to share these difficult times in your life is a gift to me …. thank you. I like knowing that there is another mum out there, albeit 1000's of mile away, who can be honest and eloquent and at the same time encouraging. You're a very special person.

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Alisha May 8, 2012 at 3:32 am

Can you skype with multiple people? One of these evenings we will all have to skype with each other and drink. Not the best quality girlfriend time, but hey, its something! 🙂

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Mimi May 8, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Deb, sometimes the day overwhelms me! So, I totally understand where you're coming from. My oldest graduates from college Saturday and I STILL haven't ordered the announcements. Sigh…I'm so behind on life. I love Instagram, when I use it. Your Ryan G. posts always make me smile. Praying you guys are able to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Lord bless you both this week! <3

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Cindy May 9, 2012 at 4:28 am

Since you are sitting around doing nothing LOL 😉 If you get a chance I would still love to feature you on my Mothers Day feature on my blog…so if you have a chance to write up about your favorite mothers day memory lol.

My kids told my husband he is not aloud to plan mothers day, they have to, they do an amazing job when he is not here.

My hubby got off easy this year, I bought my own mothers day gift with him yesterday lol. A new vacuum and carpet cleaner 🙂 Nothing says Mothers Day like cleaning items lol. I was so excited I was almost dancing in the store 🙂

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