I’m not sure what it is with me but my whole life, my whole life, I have thought I was ugly.
I don’t mean in the way that my teenage daughter will say,”Oh, I’m so ugly,” and she’s just fishing for a compliment.
No, I mean in a genuine I have always thought I was ugly,
truly ugly.
I’ve had people tell me throughout my life that I looked pretty, or cute, or beautiful but I generally just assumed it was being said because they:
A. Wanted something
B. Were blinded by their love for me
And, I know, and have always known, that it’s screwed up to think that way,
but that is the way I have always felt about myself.
And honestly, it had very little to do with what I weighed,
although my weight would make me loathe myself more.

No, it just had to do with an honest feeling of ugly.
And no matter how many times I tried to convince myself that what matters is what’s on the inside ,
the truth is, I have obviously had a very skewed and messed up view of myself from the inside as well.
I know I’m a decent, honest person but I have spent so much time second guessing myself,
my actions,
my friendships,
and wondering if mistakes I’ve made along the way just make me look
uglier.

Along this path of self discovery and marriage repair that I am now embarking, I have had some very serious and very, very honest discussions with Russ.
It hasn’t been easy because I have made him be completely honest with me about what it is that he loves and what it is that he doesn’t love so much.
It has required me to toughen my skin.
A lot.
And hearing my husband tell me that the biggest difference between me and her was that she was confident about herself and I’m not hurt.*
He said it didn’t matter if she wasn’t the most beautiful woman, because she thought she was.
(Boy! Did that sting!)
But, he softened it by saying that I am beautiful , sexy even, and he wished I could see it.
Truly see it.
He said if I could see myself as he sees me,
I would see how beautiful I am and it would show in everything I do.

I cried.
Until I realized I was only crying because,
sadly,
I couldn’t see what he wanted me to see.

And so, I decided to do something about it.
I’ve started a journal, just for me.
I wake up every morning and tell myself that I am beautiful
and worthy
before I do anything else.
And while it might sound silly,
it has helped.

I am beautiful.
And worthy.
And even sexy when I want to be.
(which now is every day   )

And I have realized,
or reminded myself,
every single day,
that God made no mistakes when he made me.
This is how He views me,
beautiful and worthy of His love
and frankly,
how can I dare question that?

*please understand, Russ did not initiate this conversation. I did.
The last thing he ever wants to do is discuss his affair because he knows how much pain it causes me still.