an embarrassing confession and lesson learned

by debi9kids on December 23, 2012

(posted for a dear friend, Beth, who needs to hear this RIGHT now. Faith, my friend, faith.)

Shortly after I found out about Russ’ affair, and just as he was going back to work, I had a breakdown.
I couldn’t take knowing the details, was burdened by them, and allowed myself to wallow as low as I possibly could get.
In short, I hated myself and my life,
because of what Russ did and not because of really who I was.
I fully blamed myself for it all,
taking all the burden,
and just feeling so so filled with self-loathing.

It was a bad time.
So bad in fact that I remember, back then, thinking…
“Lord, if December 21st really is the end, I’m ready for it.
I only have to suffer two years of this.”

How sad.
How very sad.

I was looking to my future and hoping for death,
not death that I would make happen,
but death that I would willingly welcome
because I was that unhappy.

I allowed so much of who I was, up until discovering Russ’ affair, to be defined by who we were.
I was no one without him.
(or, at least that is what I believed.)
And after the affair, I had to redefine myself.
I had to realize that with Russ, or without him, I am still worthy of happiness,
and love,
and honesty,
but above all,
worthy of leading this life fully and completely,
and whether it’s done messy or perfectly
doesn’t matter.
All that matters is that I do it
and make the most of it,
for myself
and for God,
faithfully
and trusting that He makes no mistakes.

This life
isn’t always easy.
But
even in it’s messiest days
is a gift
never to be taken for granted.

Every  tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or  the handle of faith. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Beth Zimmerman December 23, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I love you, Debi! Thank you!

Reply

Dawn Wright December 23, 2012 at 12:44 pm

AMEN!!! Thank you for that insight!

Reply

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