(posted for a dear friend, Beth, who needs to hear this RIGHT now. Faith, my friend, faith.)
Shortly after I found out about Russ’ affair, and just as he was going back to work, I had a breakdown.
I couldn’t take knowing the details, was burdened by them, and allowed myself to wallow as low as I possibly could get.
In short, I hated myself and my life,
because of what Russ did and not because of really who I was.
I fully blamed myself for it all,
taking all the burden,
and just feeling so so filled with self-loathing.
It was a bad time.
So bad in fact that I remember, back then, thinking…
“Lord, if December 21st really is the end, I’m ready for it.
I only have to suffer two years of this.”
How very sad.
I was looking to my future and hoping for death,
not death that I would make happen,
but death that I would willingly welcome
because I was that unhappy.
I allowed so much of who I was, up until discovering Russ’ affair, to be defined by who we were.
I was no one without him.
(or, at least that is what I believed.)
And after the affair, I had to redefine myself.
I had to realize that with Russ, or without him, I am still worthy of happiness,
but above all,
worthy of leading this life fully and completely,
and whether it’s done messy or perfectly
All that matters is that I do it
and make the most of it,
and for God,
and trusting that He makes no mistakes.
isn’t always easy.
even in it’s messiest days
is a gift
never to be taken for granted.
Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith. ~ Henry Ward Beecher