My daughter Stephanie made a comment last night to me after I commented on a “selfie” she posted of herself on Instangram,
“Mom, you post WAY more selfies than I do.”
At first I blew her off but then when I really looked at my Facebook and my Instagram, I realized-
HOLY Mother of God,
I am self-absorbed!
Or, am I?
For the longest time, I posted NO pictures of myself.
I remember being on my multiples Baby Center group and the other ladies were posting pregnancy pictures of themselves and I took ZERO photos of myself,
it was my last pregnancy and I have NO photos to show how enormous my stomach was,
have no photos to document that my 5ft 1in body held 2 babies inside it for 35 weeks.
(six months of that on bedrest!)
I regret never documenting it.
And why didn’t I???
Because I thought it was too “self-centered” plus I never really loved how I looked…
and that together was a perfect combination for always keeping me behind the lens instead of in front.
When my dad died, I took it upon myself to go through every photo ever taken of my dad to put together a photo montage for his memorial.
It was HOURS and HOURS and stressful (but it kept me grounded and sane those first few days after he died).
As I went through the pictures, I was sad to see that there was only one photo of me with my dad when I was little and extremely thankful that over the years I have become somewhat of a maniac and now take photos of every second that passes.
I had lots of photos of my dad with all of my kids and lots of them of dad and I from more recent years and they are now photos that I will treasure forever.
A few years ago, after Russ’ affair, and after I beat myself up for
“not being pretty enough”
“not being skinny enough”
“not being young enough”
to keep him from cheating,
I decided that never again would I allow myself to feel
for everything I am and everything I will be
and I stepped out in front of the lens
and I won’t hide behind it anymore.
I don’t want anymore moments of regret
and I definitely don’t ever want there to come a day when my children are searching for a photographed moment of one of them with me and are unable to find it because
“Mom didn’t love herself enough.”
I don’t ever want there to be a second where my kids think that I didn’t think I was loveable
even with all my imperfections.
Because I most certainly want them to know they are loveable and beautiful with all of their imperfections as well.
my kids are perfect.
All of them.
Because they are as God intended
and how the heck can I argue with Him?