accountability

by debi9kids on February 6, 2014

Changes are going on around here,
as well as going on inside my home
and, more importantly,
inside my heart and head.

I have been unhappy for a while now and miss writing and frankly I miss myself.
I’ve kind-of been hiding behind the identity of “being Will’s mom” and I haven’t allowed myself to
just be Debi.

And I need to be.
Desperately.
meIt’s hard not to just identify as Will’s mom,
or Emma’s mom,
or as debi9kids,
or even as Russ’ wife.
It’s what I have allowed to define me for 19 years.

I’m a wife.
And a mom.
And for the longest time I couldn’t really describe myself by any other terms.
(and sometimes I’m still not sure what other word I would use to describe who I am aside from “woman”, “sister”, “daughter” or “friend”)

But, after 19 years, it is time I define who Debi is.
And that starts with me owning up to mistakes I’ve made and challenges not met,
and also giving myself credit for things I have done well.
(because frankly, I do find it SO easy to criticize myself and so incredibly difficult to ever pat myself on the back)

So, today I start anew.

I’m starting a diet,
but I will not weigh myself. (I get WAY too caught up in the numbers)
I’m starting a workout.
The 30 Day Shred.
And to be honest, I’m terrified.
(Jillian Michaels is a beast and I know it’s going to be hard, but that’s partly why I chose it.)
I WILL NOT drink anymore when I am alone, not even to help myself sleep.
(I know if I exercise a nice and normal sleep pattern will return and I no longer want to depend on anything to help me fall asleep and stay asleep.)
And I am going to counseling,
not just for my marriage,
but for just me,
to work on me,
because I need it.

I plan on writing more
because I miss it
and because I need to just
vent.

I will be honest about my marriage
sometimes privately (IE password protected posts) and sometimes publicly.
And I will no longer define myself based on my kids or my marriage.

Having difficult children does not mean I am a bad mom
and a floundering marriage does not mean I am a failing wife.

It all just means I am a work in progress.

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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Sharalyn February 6, 2014 at 6:44 pm

((hugs)) Debi!

I’m kinda in the same place in trying to find myself. Good for you for deciding to take steps to figure out yourself and where you go from here.

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Mum-me February 6, 2014 at 7:26 pm

Good for you, Debi! Keep hold of the determination you have found. I’ll be praying for you. And I completely agree with your last 3 lines – it is true of me and (I’m sure) many of us.

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debi9kids February 6, 2014 at 9:31 pm

Thanks dear friend. (amazing how LONG we have now known one another. I SO wish there weren\’t so many miles…)

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Stephanie February 6, 2014 at 7:32 pm

Love this! Hope the Debi you find is as beautiful as the one I see in this post <3 You are a precious soul. This is hard, but kudos to you for honestly taking it on.

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debi9kids February 6, 2014 at 9:32 pm

Thank you Stephanie.

Your very kind words mean a lot.

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Tracey February 6, 2014 at 7:51 pm

Good for you <3

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MOLM2011 February 6, 2014 at 7:59 pm

Stopping from PSMM, no problems commenting!

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debi9kids February 6, 2014 at 9:16 pm

Thanks Jen. It finally worked :)

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janet heim February 6, 2014 at 8:04 pm

Good for you, it is awesome that you are finally going to do something for YOU. You are so much more than just someone's mom or wife. You have so many wonderful opportunities ahead of you. You go girl, the world awaits!!

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debi9kids February 6, 2014 at 9:17 pm

Thanks mom.
I'm counting on you to remind me when I forget and fall back into "mom" mode :)

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debi9kids February 6, 2014 at 8:09 pm

It sure would be nice if I could leave a darn comment.

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Lauren H February 6, 2014 at 8:12 pm

Looks like you left a comment. I can see it.

Wonder if this one will show up.

-L

PS. I have the Jillian Michaels Shred DVD too. It’s unopened because I am scared to pieces of it.

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Joyce Mansell February 6, 2014 at 8:20 pm

I loved your blog, it’s positive and direct to the point. I hope you receive this comment :)

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debi9kids February 6, 2014 at 9:39 pm

Thank you Joyce.

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Jean C February 6, 2014 at 8:49 pm

Well said. Writing or blogging is therapeutic. Do what you need to do to get YOU back. I hate to quote Miley, but "only God should judge".

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debi9kids February 6, 2014 at 9:14 pm

Thanks Jean.
It's taken me a while I realize that I need it, but I do :)

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Jayme February 6, 2014 at 9:24 pm

It's so hard to separate yourself from your kids and husband, once you've been the mom/wife for so long. I know I struggle with that too.
My recent post From the Archives: Non-Candy Valentines

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debi9kids February 6, 2014 at 9:45 pm

I think way too many of us moms do ;)
My recent post accountability

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Cat@jugglingact February 7, 2014 at 2:06 am

Best of luck! My wish for you is that you find the beautiful Debi that we know you are. Lots of love

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debi9kids February 7, 2014 at 9:03 am

Thank you R.
Much love back to you.

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Tabbatha Rose February 7, 2014 at 12:42 pm

It is true that there comes a time when we as parents need to find our own identity! It just has to happen or we lose ourselves totally. Is it easy? Not always because we will find ourselves sucked back in but thats when we have to just step up to the plate and move forward.
I threw myself back out here with a weight loss blog, it’s slow coming along but it’s mostly for me. LOL I still have to remember to post often but a work in progress. I have a few good links on there if you are interested and I will be posting workouts and more recipes in time.
As for the identity finding, I have been contemplating subbing at out school. Puts me outside my box more and a little pocket cash doesnt hurt. Works with the kid’s hours and I will have a more accomplished feeling.
Keep true to yourself, JUST DO IT and DON’T STOP!!!

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debi9kids February 7, 2014 at 2:07 pm

Thanks Tab!

And I will definitely check out your site. Sounds great.

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cyndy February 9, 2014 at 2:47 am

I wish you all the best of luck with all of it! You can do it.

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Beth February 9, 2014 at 11:39 pm

Good luck. It can be hard to make time for yourself with kids and a spouse etc, etc. I have recently started doing a workout with a local boot camp. My new motivation phrase is “I am more powerful than my excuses.”

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Renata February 14, 2014 at 5:36 am

I can relate to much you’ve written Debi. I’m not sure how I would define myself as I am so intricately intwined with the roles I have. Love that you are writing about you again. I’ll keep praying for you!
((Hugs))
Renata

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