“Forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you.”

by debi9kids on December 31, 2014

6b06b0a7e0c6a270001d9b115a4c157eI don’t think I can count just how many times I have heard that phrase over the past 279 days.
(and yes. I am counting)
And while I have understood the concept, I have been too pissed off to even think about forgiveness.
And frankly,
I have been waiting for an apology.
A TRUE apology
not the BS “I said,’I’m sorry,’ and will say it a million times but it doesn’t matter,” that I typically get from him.
From her I get nothing
and expect I never will.

And I suppose that is my problem.
I’ve been waiting for something that will never come.

And as the year is coming to a close and the realization that the affair started well before I knew about it and my marriage was clearly not the marriage I thought it was,
I’ve been wondering what the hell I am waiting for…
an apology from two people who truly don’t care about dignity, or honor, or integrity?
Would it really even matter?
Would their words even mean anything?
Probably not.
Because their actions speak SO much louder.

And so,
I forgive them.
It might sound trite,
but they truly know not what they do.
How can they?

I’ve struggled with my faith these past 9 months,
struggling to be “Christ-like” while allowing my heart to be filled with anger and resentment.
And I allowed their ungodliness to make me behave in an ungodly way as well.
And I refuse,
REFUSE,
to allow that one second longer.

So, I am starting the New Year with renewed faith
and a clean heart.

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