Untitled. Because I can’t find the right words

by debi9kids on January 18, 2017

I’d love to say I’m always positive,
but the truth is,
I’m definitely not.

There are definitely moments, like tonight,
where for no reason,
I get pre-occupied with “why me?”

Wasn’t it enough to have skin cancer?
Twice?
Or a cheating ex-husband that I forgave and took back after he got the woman pregnant only to have them cheat again?
Or how about losing not one, but two homes, to bad decisions?

Isn’t it enough!?

Nope.
I’ve got to have breast cancer too.
Because I can’t do anything in life simple. (Or apparently things that don’t happen in twos)

And then I’m the asshole, aren’t I?

Because I’m alive.

Still kicking.

When others lose their loved ones…

I’m still here.

Being an asshole and complaining.

I’m just tired,
really tired,
of feeling like there’s a target on my back
and feeling like I’m damned if I complain
but feeling like I want to scream if I don’t.

I hate cancer
with every single ounce of my being.

I’m not ok
with any of this
and I feel like if I don’t walk around acting like I’m going to beat it,
I won’t.

And even putting those “words to paper” is terrifying,
like I’m tempting fate.

Because
I don’t want to lose this fight.

And even though there’s this huge part of me that’s certain I won’t die,
there’s still this nagging voice,
deep down,
that won’t shut the hell up and let me just
be.

Have I said how much I hate cancer?

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Lisa Pasquariello January 19, 2017 at 12:13 pm

Debi..I want you to know I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers every night
big hugs xx much love to you

Reply

debi9kids January 20, 2017 at 5:29 pm

Thank you, Lisa.
I needed to see this today <3

Reply

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