N.E.D.

by debi9kids on October 11, 2017

No evidence of disease.
You’d think those words would bring me comfort.
They don’t.

Doctors don’t really say, “Remission,” anymore. They say,”NED.”
That’s it.
It pretty much means the same thing, but to me it’s just kind of saying, “There’s no evidence of disease Right Now.”

I was told a strange depression comes over you after you hear those words.
Depression.
Anxiety.
Pretty much describes it.

Triple Negative Breast Cancer is not your “typical” breast cancer.
It’s nastier.
It’s more resistant to chemotherapy.
It’s hormone resistant.
It’s small cells.
And they hide from surgery, and chemo, and radiation and then suddenly reappear just when you’re starting to feel like you’ve defeated cancer for good.

I’m NED.
I pray every day I’ll stay that way.
But I worry every night that I won’t.

I pray the fear goes away as I try to make the most of every day without letting the fear creep too close to the surface.

And maybe
I’ll be one fortunate ones…

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Lisa November 17, 2017 at 10:53 am

I totally get this. No one seems to understand that it means “right now”. There is no evidence of cancer, at this moment … but give me a month and we may have something. Scanxiety. Every little ache, pain, lump, tingle is a new fear. Because we have been betrayed by our own body once.

It’s tough to keep your chin up. I certainly can’t do it all the time.

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debi9kids November 20, 2017 at 1:33 pm

And honestly, I’ve found this is why it’s so important to surround yourself with people who “get it”…

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