late night ramblings of a cancer survivor

by debi9kids on November 9, 2017

It’s 1:40am and I’m lying awake waiting for my medication to kick in so I can fall asleep.
I’m exhausted.
But I don’t really sleep anymore,
not without help anyway.
I guess there’s too much running through my mind and I can’t shut it off.

On October 19th I had an ablation done on my heart. My electrophysiologist found two areas of my heart that needed to be repaired and since the procedure my pulse has been normal.

It should be a relief.

Instead, my blood pressure continues to drop with activity and I’m on medication to try to keep that within a functional range.

Over the past month I’ve had a dry annoying cough, which immediately made me paranoid that my cancer was back in my lungs.
My general doctor prescribed cough medicine that should’ve helped.
It didn’t.

So, when I showed up in his office complaining about the cough, difficulty breathing, and my BP was 70/22, he sent me to the ER.

I spent 8 hours there with my mom and Hugh having countless tests run.
It isn’t cancer.
Thank God.
It isn’t a blood clot in my lungs.
Again, Thank God.
But when I got up to move around, my O2 levels dropped from 99% to 84.
Not good.

I was sent home with steroids and an inhaler and told to see my general doctor and a pulminologist as soon as possible.

I talked to my doctor the next day.
He wants to put me on oxygen because he thinks my lungs were damaged by the chemo.
He’s making appointments for a respitory therapist to come to my home…
And called my pulminologist at Fox Chase to consult with him.

I’m supposed to start back to working and instead I feel like I’m in a never ending cycle of bad things happening.

And so I’m awake.
When I should be sleeping.
Feeling very overwhelmed.

And feeling like the words “cancer free” should’ve made me feel better than I actually feel.

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

char November 10, 2017 at 10:36 am

praying hope you feel better soon.


debi9kids November 13, 2017 at 10:55 pm

thank you!


Barbara Schutt January 11, 2018 at 9:09 am

Hello, Debi! Nice to meet you. I discovered you and your blog today and had seen that you have had cancer. I am a triple negative breast cancer survivor as well and know what you must be dealing with. I was diagnosed 1/17/17 so almost a year ago and am now NED, too! It is a frightening disease but I try to live in the moment and not worry about the future. Every day is a blessing. I wish you and your lovely family lots of love and blessings~


debi9kids January 28, 2018 at 4:19 pm

Thank you Barbara.
Nice to “meet” you too.
Always nice to connect with another survivor who “gets” it.


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