The past 40 hours or so might have been the WORST couple of  I have had in a long, long time.
It started with Will deciding that he didn’t enjoy sleeping in his crib tent that we JUST bought last month so he ripped it apart, escaped and joined us in the living room with a big, silly smile on his face.
And while that might sound funny, it isn’t.
Not when I don’t have any other way to keep him safe and secure at night.

HOURS after we finally got him to fall asleep (as in 3 am), Russ and I sat on the couch trying to figure out what the heck we could do… build him another bed, buy another crib tent (Lord, NO!), or invest in a specially made item specifically for autistic kids like this, or this, or this…

Needless to say, it was a bad night of little sleep, followed by a busy day of  talking to Will’s teachers and therapists  for suggestions and then running around trying to get things accomplished to ensure we would have no more nights OR days filled with so much stress and tension and worry that my buddy would get out of bed while I was sleeping and get out of the house. (God forbid!)

As a last minute solution for Will until we can figure out what the heck to do that will keep him safe, Russ and I went to Cabelas and bought a single person tent and we popped that bad boy up in the place where his crib used to be and thankfully… it worked and he went to bed like a good boy (after a dose of Melatonin)  And, while Russ was very helpful today, it is Ryan who knew exactly what I needed at the end of the day

Check out other Hey Girl posters at Extreme Parenthood.

I’ve gone back and forth on whether on not to write anything about Surviving Infidelity anymore, mostly because it’s private,
or, should be anyway.
But, the truth is, it became not private the day I wrote that first letter to her, the other woman.

And, frankly, if I don’t tell how I am doing sometimes, I think I am doing a disservice to women out there who are in the same boat, who have come to know my story, and want to know if what they are feeling is…
“normal“.

And, Lord….
normal???
Because, I can’t really say I ever feel normal.
Still.

I am happy.
Most days.
But whenever something goes wrong,
and by that, I mean anything,
it is all Russ’ fault.

I don’t mean that it is actually his fault,
I just mean that I automatically go there;
I automatically think back on his affair and I blame him for every.single.misfortune that has happened to us since the beginning of time.
Sometimes I tell him (and by tell him, I mean tell him off) and sometimes I just think it,
but no matter what my reaction is toward him, my feelings inside are just…
confusing.

And, honestly, it’s worse for him than it is for me.
Because he just never knows when it’s coming, but he knows it will.
And he knows there is absolutely nothing he can do to stop it,
and the only thing he can do when it happens is…
apologize.
And apologize.
And apologize some more.

And the sad part is, most of the time, that apology means absolutely nothing to me.
I know he’s sorry.
But the awful memory is still there.

I’ve been told it will “go away”,
or become less painful.
I’m still waiting.

To be fair,
it has “gone away”,
meaning most days, I don’t give Russ’ affair a second thought.
He and I are happy.

It’s just those fleeting moments,
when life isn’t feeling perfect,
or when stress hits too high of a level for me to bear,
that the anger comes back.

I’m trying.
When I get angry,
I beg God to just see me through it.
And clearly He does.
Because I’m still here
and Russ is still here.
And, we are still working on us.

Joining in with 7 Clown Circus , Lolli and Parenting by Dummies for Wordful Wednesday.

If you have been reading my blog for even a little while, there is one thing you can surmise,
I love to take and share pictures.
And, if you assume that, then you must assume that
Instagram + me = total bliss

Yesterday proved to be an eye-opener for me.
Mother’s Day + my kids + Instagram = a whole TON of pictures

I remember when Facebook first started, thinking, ” Now what do I need that for?”
And when Twitter came along, again I thought,” Really? Why does anyone want to know my every thought?”
(of course, I did join because, well, that’s what people in social media do…)
Then Pinterest came.
Now that, I was sold on!
What’s not to love?!?
Organizing and crafts and DIY and recipes.
Oh my!
And, I heard about Instagram.
Oh yes.
I heard, and I saw the pictures on Facebook,
but there was nothing I could do because I had a Droid, not an iPhone and I didn’t want to switch,
so I waited for Verizon to make an app.
And when they did, I loaded it and less than 2 months and nearly 400 pictures later,
I.am.sold.

Yesterday, the proof was in the pudding,
Moment by moment, my day was captured.
And being able to share Mother’s Day (or any other holiday) with my friends and family who can’t be with me at the moment it’s happening via pictures instead of just links or phrases is just…
awesome.

Here’s are just a few pictures from the day.
Some of my gifts from the kids:And some of the yummy food we ate, including a yummy Oreo Brownie recipe I adapted from this one I found on Pinterest. (I just took Oreos and lined a baking pan and then poured prepared brownie mix over top. OMG!)And, finally, just pictures of my family.

It really was a great day,
nearly perfect.
The only thing missing was the rest of my family members who couldn’t be with us to celebrate the day.

I am SO looking forward to sharing the next holiday via Instagram, as well as sharing here.

this picture freaks me out a little

Mother’s Day is right around the corner and with the past few days being filled with such wonderful and positive moments with Will, I am just feeling like I have all the gifts I could ever ask for.
My heart is overflowing.

So, I thought I would just share a few Ryan Gosling posters I made…
as a special Mother’s Day gift from me to you

From the poster Sunday shared for this week:And I’m so glad that you totally get where my little sensory seeker is coming from.
You’re so sweet & sensitive, Ryan.

Thank you Ryan. You always know just what I need.
(PS I did not photoshop my face in there. This really happened. I swear!)

Ryan! You’re so feisty and I think I like it!

Check out other Hey Girl posters at Extreme Parenthood.

It would be easy for me to say that hearing Will say Emma’s name and finally seeing him play with her meant the world to me.
It did.
But, it honestly meant SO much to me for a totally different reason.As sad as I sometimes get that I have “untwin” twins, it is harder on her than I can ever possibly imagine or understand.
Emma knows they are twins.
She knows they were in my belly together and knows that they were born the same day.
She’s met lots and lots of other sets of twins and she knows that she and Will are…special,
different.

Emma is a cheerful little girl.And smart as a whip
and she knows that Will has autism
and sometimes that just really stinks.
Because how many 5 year olds normally know about autism?
How many of them understand that autism is the reason that Will isn’t like Emma?

And she’s amazing,
because she gets it.
Truly gets it.She’s ok with Will having special needs (foods, toys, clothes, bed, etc),
with him demanding more of my time,
with his inability to talk to her,
play with her…
99% of the time.

And that is a huge, huge blessing because she could be selfish,
and spoiled,
and impatient
and instead, God created this amazing little girl,
the perfect twin sister for Will.

And when he said her name,
her face lit up.
“Mommy. Will said, ‘Emma.’”
And that look on her face,
that light in her eyes,
was absolutely priceless.
Because while I have been waiting a long time for it,
she has been waiting her entire lifetime.

Talk about something to be thankful for!
God’s amazing blessings!

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders which You have done, And Your thoughts toward us; There is none to compare with You. If I would declare and speak of them, They would be too numerous to count. ~ Psalm 40:5

Playing along with Woman Taking a Stand for Thankful Thursday